Emotional confusion, sudden changes in moods, alternating feelings of guilt and harm, insecurity and fear – this is an emotional state typical of codependent people. Some of them are diagnosed with an acute reaction to stress, post-traumatic stress disorders or adaptation disorders, and disorders in the somatic form. This is the price they pay for living with an addicted person, which is a source of permanent stress for them.
Psychological equipment, which is what we relate with, can burden us, but it can also protect us from co-addiction. The mere fact that we live with an addict does not necessarily mean that we are co-dependent.
This is determined by the way we react to the partner’s destructive behavior and the price we are willing to pay for maintaining the relationship. It is said that a lot depends on whether we can change or leave such a system. It can be assumed that a person who is not codependent will change the system so as to allow him to meet his needs and ensure freedom of communication, and if this does not happen, he will leave and arrange his own life.
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A codependent person is one who threatens to leave, but does not leave. He can neither walk away nor change the layout, so he adapts. He does this at the expense of himself and his health. Probably he cannot imagine a lonely life. The only acceptable vision of life for her is “living for two.” Therefore, it is trapped in a devastating relationship for both sides.
How can I help myself?
Codependency is a communication blockage. It is created by the rules of behavior imposed by the partner, which prevent the free expression of feelings, conducting honest conversations about problems in the relationship and directing real expectations of change to the partner. It is also over-tuning to the other person, sensitivity to their moods, as well as habitual thinking, feeling and behaving. So if we want to help ourselves, we must disconnect from our partner’s moods, break our habitual reactions.
Limiting ourselves to reacting to his behavior (and to what he may feel, think or do) means that we have lost control of ourselves and are not being guided. Such reactions co-create a destructive system and close in the vicious circle of codependency, while change comes through the expression and implementation of one’s own needs and deliberate action.
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So don’t react. If you find yourself falling into emotional chaos, stop. Regulate your breathing, try to relax. Find a way to detach yourself from the stimulus you are responding to. Go on a walk. Wait to act until your emotions have subsided and conflicting thoughts have stopped rotating in your mind. What’s next?
This is first. Detachment means living in the present moment – here and now. It’s letting life flow freely. But also acceptance of reality. Let things go your way and watch them turn. Remember, everyone is responsible for themselves. Let the other person be you and bear the consequences of your actions. Cut yourself off from her problems and emotions. Do it gently. Determine what you can and cannot change, and refrain from trying to change what you cannot change. Stop worrying about what you can’t control. Live your own life. Enjoy the little things.